This has truly been one of the most testing times in my life. If you know me you know I have struggled with depression for majority of my short time here on earth…I was diagnosed at 12 with depression, general anxiety disorder, and OCD. It wasn’t until about a year ago I was finally diagnosed with PTSD and for the first time in my life I felt as if I was who I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do. This was the first time for an extended amount of time that I was truly happy, confident, and not disassociating from what was real in my life. Because of the prolonged complex trauma I had experienced by happy moments were mostly these very distant truths of who I was and where I was in my life. I didn’t want to self harm anymore, I wanted to live…and even now in the depth of my guilt and anxiety I still want to fight for my chance to live and be happy. February 26th will make 2 years since I have cut. This is the longest time I have EVER gone. This is monumental for me and such a mark of growth. I am so proud of myself and the fact that even though I do have thoughts about death/suicide that I don’t want to give into these thoughts (that are sometimes intrusive) I want to keep fighting for my life and this is very, very new for me.
These last few months in internship have been terribly difficult. You see yourself and those you love in clients and its hard to deal with. It’s not something you ever want to see anyone experience. The people I work with have severe mental illnesses. They are sick and instead of being met with kindness, love, respect, and open embrace they are met with hostility, anger, misunderstanding, and dismissiveness. It breaks my heart to know that I could have been as sick as they are, or someone that I love could possibly know the amount of suffering these warriors have endured. It scares the shit out of you. You really start to love clients. I think about mine daily. I have not yet mastered to leave work at work. Its difficult when you have so many demands from work and not really any space to separate yourself from it.
I cannot believe I am almost done with my undergraduate career. I don’t know anything really. I know I am going to get my masters in social work…i’m not sure how I will use it, hell I don’t even know if I well do therapy as I have anticipated to do all my life. I don’t know where I will be living…I don’t know a damn thing but in this moment everything is okay because I am loved, I am important, I am known, I am full….in this moment everything is okay and for that I am thankful.